My shoe box of love letters contains two.
I received few cute letters in my life : few charming invitations to go out, few seducing feedbacks after a first date, few romantic “miss you” from far away.
They instantly flattered my ego. But soon, re-reading them fell flat. Out of the thrill of first strokes, the bitter-sweet excitement of first contacts, the reminder of physical beauty, the memory of seductive invitations, all their substance have vanished. I threw them. I do not regret them. They were adressed to my body or conversed to my fantaisies of love or sexuality fairytales.
“I want to be with you forever”
“You’re the most attractive women I ever met”
“I can’t stop thinking of you everyday”
Yes, I forgot them, yet I can remind them in a snap of the finger, just by lending an ear to pop songs playing on the radio.
My inner being could keep sleeping.
The first love letter in my shoe box is from a long-gone flirt, which have not lasted for longer than 2 weeks.
It wasn’t actually very memorable, and I don’t think we ever had profound feelings for each other. Yet, sometimes, specific people meet in specific timing, and souls get for a moment a profound stir of each other. I kept it because it surprised me as a “never-seen-before” reply and provoked a rolling warmth in my heart that was completely new for me. It gave me a refreshing, reassuring and engaging expression of positive intentions in the premises of a relationship.
I met him on a dating site, and in real life few days after. We went to the restaurant, had a great time and spontaneous he invited me to carry on at the birthday party of his cousin. I was presented to everyone and had a jolly night, but…. Wasn’t it too fast to be presented to relatives? Was I already committing to a relationship? As soon I came back at my place, I wrote him a bared letter on my burgeoning feelings but also my worries and my need to have time before taking any decision. He wrote me back :I have to say I’m very happy to read this. I totally agree with what you just wrote, seriously. I’m not the kind of guy who check where a girl goes with who and when. You’re totally free and never accountable to me. I require nothing from you and I have to say your perception of things is reflective of your maturity. I also had a lovely evening. I also want to see you again. However, I’ll never force you into anything. You owe nothing to me and I truly believe that anyone have the right of choose one’s own path. I consider myself frank and honest, and I will certainly be so with you. For the next steps, only time can tell. You’re an amazing women being. (I know I don’t you much, but what I heard from you let me conclude that.) It’s really appreciated, honestly, that you put your stance on the table. I’ll do
the same: I don’t know what may happen in the next days, the only thing I know for sure is that I want to see you again. Don’t worry with your contacts or your possible meeting with other prospects… It’s none of my business. I find it very respectful from you to explain all that to me, but it wasn’t mandatory. I want you to know that in none occasion I could judge you for things you may have done or that you might do in the future. I am repeating myself, but you owe me nothing. I’m not in a hurry, I don’t want neither to calculate how many dates it takes to formalize a couple. Do what you have to do, sweetheart. You know a little bit how I am and what I can be. Let things go ahead, ok? I consider it started perfectly. Thanks for that perfect evening.
My second love letter is wholly more meaningful and precious.
Going far deeper than an insight of goodwill, it shows engagement, will, maturity and choice. This letter is drenched not only with affection, but with each of the individual pieces that compose love. It marks a milestone, where a natural and easy relationship transform into the decisive choice of making the journey together. It shows all the beauty of a matured love relationship.
He worked a lot. How could I complaint? He is brave, hard-working, talented and realizes himself in an artistic job that he absolutely craves. He is totally reliable, brilliant and emotionally intelligent : I could hand over my life to him if I would need to. But he worked too much. Actually, I worked hard too. I morally supported him in his professional challenges. However, there was always more. I felt drained, uncapable of any more emotional accompaniement and in the end, sad. I wrote him about both my exhaustion and my love. He wrote me back.
I’m sorry.I’m sorry I have been so centred on myself and somehow lost sight of my loved one, who always supported and encouraged me, who wholeheartedly entered my life, by love. I’m sorry I lacked listening and I let my fears and my disappointments isolate me from the core. My work, my schedule, my projects could not justify my absence, neither constitute a valid excuse for embracing you less in our daily lives. I should have learned to exhale air trapped in my lungs, take my time, and thus give you back the space that is yours. I want you to be with me. About the fears you expressed about the risk that nothing might be left to link us after my business matters, or nothing left to share, I would like to remind you something. You’re as creative and talented as me. All your personal projects are all reflective of your talent,
your creativity and your desire to create. In this regard, your new creative ambitions are an EXCELLENT IDEA and I want to make sure you go after this project with or without me. This idea is of course went through me head. Each of us following own’s way and hoping for the best. But I can not bring myself to the idea that we could have reached the end of the journey.
I sincerely believe we can find the time , words, and actions to find ourselves together, in love, precious to each other, open to the future and free from our fears. Now it’s my turn to encourage you, to support you in your plans, to give you back your space and to listen to you. I can’t wait to see you… I love you.
I love that in both cases of love letters, I wrote first.
I didn’t get seduced : I got speak to. I expressed a state of mind and a certain need, and I received a personnalized, genuine and kind reply. It was a dialogue, and not a magic trick.
In both cases of love letters, I read no predication on future eternal bond. Only “I wish to continue. I hope you do too”.
Yes, yes, yes! Nothing makes me feel more falling in love than having my freedoom acknowledged. My affection have now all the space it needs to grow. Yes, I could leave tomorrow, and you can’t forbid me to do so. But if I’m happy with you, and you’re happy with me, why would I leave?
Thank you for not saying “I want to be with you forever”. Thank you for avoiding the mention of a diamond ring, . Thanks for opening the way to say it’s so easy, pleasurable and fulfilling to be with me that you can easily imagine that we could stay together many extra years. Let me continously choose to love you, or leave you if I’m unhappy. Grant me your love and affection every week not because of promises in a love letter, but because you see and feel that I care about you. Appreciate that I accept your defaults and your difference from my own routine by easily accepting mine too. Renew your love with and because of actions, not intentions.
In both cases of love letters, my correspondents were full of honesty and genuineness.
I can tell you they did aftwerwards exactly what they wrote. They waited for me, they respected my decisions, they had a positive attitude. I obviously cut many parts of those letters. Because of the integrity they used, it was evident I would use the same respect. Too bad it isn’t the norm for all.
No need to say I deeply hate those guys who use the word “seduction” on their book covers or as a permanent tag on their blogs, when they only establish their celebrity on misogyny, manipulation and self-determined dissemination of private information from less or more informed partners.
I want to throw Tucker Max books in a bonfire. I want to kick Gab Roy in the balls. I want to scalp Marc Boilard – well, let’s say slightly, in a non-deadly way. I want to get a restraining order for all pens and pencils in the world against Neil Strauss. These self-called ‘“professional serial daters” are not inoffensive. They contribute to an ill portrait of acceptable and expected relationships models.
I’m not an insect to be caught in a sticky web. I’m not a pet to be bewilded by puzzling enthousiasm. I’m not a kid to be put at sleep by fairytales.
I’m a human being who understand how precious is being told this : “I understand your discomfort, and I sympathize. Because I sympathize, I’ll do my best to alleviate your discomfort, your pain or your sadness. I’ll do it because I love you, not to obtain something.”
I clearly see how feminism influences the seduction I wish for. Yes, as boring as it sounds, equally splitting household chores put me in a good mood to give smooches. But even further, I believe that my opinion is as valuable as the one of a man. And be acknowledged as so allow me to give everything to my equal, to share my best, my most generous, patient and loveable attitude.
The lecture of “I heard you, and you’re right in your emotions” is my honeymoon.
My love once told me, after a friend dispute that let me all topsy-turvy : “Your friend can keep focusing on if your complaints are justified or worthy of interest – however, the reality of your feelings can’t be contested.” Being wrong on facts or perceptions is fine. But denial or avoidance of my spoken emotions would poke my heart and crumble parts of it. Thanks I’m with someone who understand this.
Maybe there’s no instuctions on how to write a memorable love letter.
They hardly can be copied. They are unique, reflective of each couple. I also love to think that true will, love and goodness can’t be copied, or faked for the eyes of any woman that pratice self-love before adoring the status of couple.
Apart love letters, I also have a nice collection of portraits made by my very talented friends xx
First drawing : Julien Dufour
Second drawing : Guillaume Demers